Today marks the official end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. As an officer in the naval reserve, it should mark the end of my white lies and the shell games.  For the past 8 years, I have hemmed, hawed, and misrepresented my actual civilian business occupation, running a gay online community rowing organization. At first, I just outright lied, although it wasn’t entirely false, by declaring my occupation as an entertainment and media financial analyst.  I did have a few consulting jobs but they had long since passed.  Then, over time, I simply said I ran a non-profit. What kind of non-profit? A sports federation. In what sport? Rowing. That usually ended the questions because rowing was so far off the beaten track, it stumped them.

Now, today, I should be able to say it: I run the Gay and Lesbian Rowing Federation.  Technically, I should have been able to say that ever since I co-founded GLRF in 2003 since the regulations in place with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell stated that it was perfectly acceptable to march in a gay pride parade, work for a gay organization, and even go to a gay bar. You just couldn’t say you’re gay or kiss a guy.   Unfortunately, the truth is never that easy. Navy culture is very nosey.  Revealing my occupation would have been tantamount to saying “I’m gay.” Even so, the questions have been and always remain the same, at the Pentagon, at the Fleet Headquarters, at the Command Operation Centers:

1. Where are you from? (measure of conservatism)
Los Angeles … ohhh, a liberal, uh oh

2. What do you do in the civilian world? (measure of talent and skill set or who has a bigger “---“)
Financial Analyst … ohhh, okay, hmmm how do I classify that and does he make more money than I do? What company? … oh a consultant … I got the bigger “---“

3. Are you married? (measure of do you fit the mold and conform to our straight conservative republican culture)
No. …. huh? Let’s see, he’s this rank so he been in the navy for x years and got his commission at age 22 so he is z years old and therefore he should be married by now and he didn’t say he got a divorce … hmmm

4. Do you have any kids? (measure of if you’re straight since having kids means that you’re straight)
No …. Hmmm, all straight naval officers who are of that rank should have been married at least once and almost all of them have kids

Conclusion: he’s a homosexual

As in all organizations, organizational politics are in play. Keeping it on the down low ensured I wouldn’t be excluded from the senior officer inner circle.  The down low was really a dance because most people, after they finished their line of questioning, would suspect but by my deflections, it was a subtle message: “I know that you know that I know but I won’t push it and so you can put this knowledge in the desk drawer and use me for productive work and we can both agree to just ignore it since I’m not permanently on staff.”

Domesticated elephants are constrained by heavy chains as a calf. As an adult, domestic elephants are controlled only by a string.  

The end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is kind of like the string. Sure I can break it but my mind keeps telling me I have to keep playing the conservative cultural politics. For me, it will be a selective process of revelation, and that’s not because of my low rank but because of my relatively senior rank. I have to play it carefully to maintain the motivation of the members in the unit and to continue to influence those whose assistance is needed to get things done.

Needless to say, I do plan to celebrate, with gusto and wild abandon, along with my good friend, Captain Jack Daniels.