Nine months ago, my girlfriend broke my heart, devastating me for months. With her, I’d fallen in love hard. The kind of love where you realize you’re wearing blinders because she’s the only one you see. We seemed to fit together perfectly. Sure, we had our differences, but we didn’t fight, at least the type of fighting I’d been used to. We were able to talk through the toughest of situations. She supported me and I supported her.
I saw my future with her. Even my mother saw how smitten I was during a visit and so she brought me a family ring I could use when I found the right time to propose. As an aside, that wasn’t in my immediate plan. I’m not that kind of lesbian. I like to take things slow. But I knew what I wanted. I’d do anything for her, anything to ensure her life was a little easier, a little less stressful, a little more filled with love and laughter.
One evening last August, she said after a hug and a kiss that she didn’t want the same things she’d always told me she did, which included me. I left. It took everything I had not to look back, not to beg her to try, not to ask her to want me like she had previously.
The next few weeks and months were challenging. The first week, it took everything I had to say there would be life and possibly happiness in the future, even if I couldn’t see it on the horizon. I learned how to sit with the pain, to function in what felt like an abyss. It was in this state, I found the rowing team. With their help, they’ve helped me take steps, baby steps at first, and helped me to discover how to smile and truly mean it. How to laugh and enjoy every moment.
Dating eluded me, even when I tried. I couldn’t allow myself to open up because I knew the person would leave, either emotionally or physically. I knew it would end. But I also knew it wasn’t right because no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t get my ex, the one I still considered the love of my life, off my mind. She was in my dreams, almost nightly, either dating my friends or telling me how she only saw me as a sister. All of which was hurtful, even her presence was hurtful.
But as the days and weeks became months since the break up, I don’t notice the anniversary of the break up (which as I checked my calendar was nine months ago today). But it doesn’t weigh on me like it used to. I don’t dread it knowing I will be drowning in the sadness of a love that once was.
In Rehoboth this past weekend, was the first time I realized how far I’d come. It was the first time I felt as if I might have my feet back under me and could possibly consider dating. In fact, thank you to a really awesome group of rowers, they went with me to the women’s bar and tried to encourage me to make the approach for every girl I pointed out was cute. Needless to say, I still chickened out since something never change. But it didn’t feel as scary.
Throwing a frisbee on the beach, laughing, and having a good time, I realized life was fun and not just a series of responsibilities on an endless to do list. I felt whole. The last time I’d felt that way was with my ex.
I am the person who says relationships are overrated. Generally because I’m also a pretty jaded and don’t see them work out for the long term. Relationships end in heartache and pain. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to come along and prove me wrong. She’s out there. That said, relationships aren’t everything. They don’t define you. Yes, I do think you have to go all in to give them a chance. You can’t half buy a lottery ticket and expect to win the jackpot. You purchase the ticket and sit in front of the television carefully crosschecking each number as they’re announced.
A relationship doesn’t define me. I’m whole again. I’ve loved, lost, and survived. Yes, the mere prospect of repeating this scares me, yet I know I will get through it and be a better person on the other side. I think this breakup changed me for the better and I didn’t lose what was important. I still have my cheesy, sarcastic sense of humor, I’m passionate, driven, and want to make the world a better place. And I will. One day at a time.
I don’t expect to find Ms. Right tomorrow. But I’m starting to feel open to meeting people in a romantic way and that’s a huge step. And while, yes, I did a lot of the work to get here, I couldn’t have done it alone. So thank you to everyone who stood by me either knowingly or not and helped me to love, laugh, and try again.
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